I remember several times growing up that the boys at my school would call me a dog. One boy told me I was pretty. I was baffled because I hadn't heard that before from a male beside my dad. I was stumped for words because I didn't know how to respond until he finished his sentence by saying I was "pretty ugly." I think the biggest compliment, or so I thought, was when one boy jokingly asked me if I was bulimic. In my head, I thought, "Wow, he thinks I am skinny."
Since as long as I can remember, I have hated the way I look. There is not a day that goes by that I wish I could change something about myself. But I am trying to change that...
My mind is a powerful, powerful thing. When I create a situation where I am nervous, I actually make myself sick to my stomach.
On my okay days, I know that I could be beautiful if I tried. On my good days, I know I look beautiful. On my great days, I don't care what I look like to others, and I am beautiful just the way I am.
This isn't about me trying to compliments about the way I look. We are out of high school. Those mean boys are gone. I have received and do receive my far share of compliments. If compliments changed how I felt about myself, I would not have self-esteem issues.
I really don't know where this negative attitude comes from or what type of body or skin I am trying to achieve. Since I don't know what I am after, and because I will probably pick apart even the most perfect body, I have been trying for the last year and a half to change something I do have control over: my mind.
God has given me this body, and that alone should be reason enough to eradicate the mean boys in my head.
"I praise you, for I am fearfully and wonderfully made. Wonderful are your works; my soul knows it very well."
I also know that the outside of my body is not important compared to the workings of my heart.
I know these things. I know them. But Satan preys on my weaknesses, and it is a daily struggle to accept the fully functioning body that God has given me. Within the last year, God has graciously provided me with positive thoughts to counter my very negative ones. God has allowed me to not dwell as much on what I notice negatively about my body. God has tenderly patched up my emotions and my frustration with my personality as well. I have been able to embrace and enjoy the benefits of the personality that God has given me. (Long story short: "Mean boys" attacked faults with my personality and why I act certain ways. Imagine already hating your outward appearance and having someone list off things wrong with the way you act.)
I share this because surely I am not the only one that struggles. I share this because God has not created us to hate the way we look or our personality. I share this because there is shelter in the Lord and relief from the negative thoughts.